Gross expectations
by Ally12
Summary: Buffy's getting married, but not to Angel.
1. Default Chapter

GROSS EXPECTATIONS  
Season: Future. Genre: Romance, but mainly fluff and comedy. Characters: Buffy, Riley, Angel, Willow, Spike, Doyle, Cordelia, Faith, Shannon, Joshua, Rebecca and Giles. Teaser: Buffy's getting married. Notes: This is set when Buffy is 24. Xander, Anya, Joyce, Tara and Dawn died when Glory tried to open the portal, Buffy sacrificed Dawn to close the portal and her mother died at Glory's hands but she didn't care. This is quite silly in parts but I'll make it more serious later. Faith is good again and is a lesbian. This isn't one of my best stories, just wanted to have a bit of fun. Couples: B/R, B/A, W/S, D/C, F/S, and J/R. Disclaimer: Own nothing, they all belong to Joss's wondrous mind, for the exception of Shannon, Joshua and Rebecca.  
Part One  
  
"So Riley you said you had something to ask me?" Buffy and Riley were having a meal at an Italian restaurant celebrating the four year anniversary of her mother's, Dawn's, Xander's, Anya's and Tara's death. Nobody had liked them and although they attended their funeral they hated it because well they were all idiots, to think Tara tricked Willow into thinking she was a lesbian. "Yeah" Riley got down on one knee and took Buffy's hand in his "I love you so much so will you Buffy Anne Summers do me the honour of becoming my wife?" "I would love too, it's like me and you were made for each other, we're soulmates" her friends had become more than worried with Buffy, she really thought her and Riley were meant to be. "Thank you now let's go home my little chicky poo's" "Oh of course my little sweetums!" the people in the restaurant pushed their plates away feeling completely disgusted with the way these two were acting with each other. Buffy and Riley ran out of the restaurant with people giving them revolted looks as they left. "Excuse me waiter can I have the check please? I think that scene has put me off food for life" "Of course Madam I know exactly what you mean, why is that lovely woman so obsessed with that revolting man, he must have brainwashed her" "Yes I do agree".  
  
****************************** Buffy knocked on the door of Giles's apartment where she had told everybody to meet her because she had big news. "Buffy, you, sorry Riley come in" Buffy and Riley sat down on the couch with every one of her friends giving her dirty looks. "So slayer why are we all here at 10.00pm at bloody night! Me and Willow were busy" "Riley and I have news for every one" "Continue," "Riley and I are getting married!" Buffy practically screamed the end of her sentence and everybody looked shocked. "My God are you crazy, the guys a freak!" "He is not Shannon, he's my soul mate" "No he's not B, he's a fish" "I am not, that's just my normal smell" Riley sniffed his armpits finding nothing wrong where everybody else was covering their noses. "Buffy I am one of your best friends and I'm telling you, you don't want to marry him" "Look who this is coming from, you thought you were a lesbian!" "I can vouch that red here is no lesbian" Spike grinned wickedly with Willow staring at him intently. "Buffy as the only parental figure you have left since your mother and father died, I forbid you to marry that freak!" "We love each other and I'm marrying him no matter what you say!" "What happened to peaches, did we just forget about him ducks?" "We weren't soul mates, we were like the worst match" "Come out of it, you two were bloody meant for each other and you fucking know it!" "No we weren't Riley is the one I'm meant to be with" "What have you done to her! Have you brainwashed my daughter!" "No Mr Giles, she honestly loves me" Riley was overcome with fear because Giles was threatening him then he lost bladder control and pissed himself. Giles stepped away from the young man and looked at him with revulsion "My God you can't marry him Buffy, he pisses himself!" "I love everything about him, it doesn't matter if he can't control his bladder" "I think he has problems Buffy, please listen to me I would think you are better looking and had more standards than to marry someone who obviously has no bladder control in the face of danger" "Shannon I can fight for us and he can just be his sweet loveable self" "I think I'm going to be sick, okay since your intent on marrying this loser I guess we'll have to come to your wedding B" "Fuck off! I am not going near that thing and I am certainly not giving Buffy away to marry that disgusting excuse for a human being" Riley started crying while Giles just stared into his eyes with hatred "My momma says if you can't say anything nice, you don't say anything at all" "Oh shut up you wanker, now slayer I guess since we're your pals we'll have to come and Giles will give you away but after the wedding we will never speak to you again when your with him understood?" "Yes, you guys are the greatest, we'll have to invite Angel" "Yeah coz I'm sure he'll love watching the love of his life marry some little shit like Riley, see you later B, come on Shan" Faith left the room hastily with Shannon quick on her tail and Willow following suit. "So Mr Giles it looks like your going to be my new father now that me and Buffy are engaged" "Trust me I will be nothing of the sort you impudent little rat!" Riley ran out of Giles's apartment crying with Buffy quickly chasing him. "Shit Giles, if she marries him he'll be around us for life!!" "I don't think I can put up with him for another week never mind the rest of my life" "We're cursed by that moronic bugger!" "Would you like a drink, scotch something stronger?" "Sure, I think we need to check if he's used magic on her, I mean when she first saw him she couldn't stand him and now she's marrying him, I tell you something isn't right Giles". 


	2. Gross expectations part 2

Part Two Angel hastily answered the phone in his office so that the ringing would stop because he had a pounding headache from all the drinking he had done the previous night. "Who is it?" "Hey Angel this is Faith, I have terrible, revolting, stomach turning and mind boggling news for you" "Go on and hurry up I have to go and meet Cordelia in half an hour at the mall" "It's daylight" "So?" "Let me guess your human now" "Yeah you were saying stomach turning news" "Buffy and Riley are getting married!" "Good for them, wait isn't he that moron who can't fight, said he lost his virginity to a cow and smells just fucking awful?" "Yep that's the one, well they've been engaged for the last six months now and well we can't stand it any longer, Giles won't let Buffy see him when Riley is with her, Willow and Spike keep doing this spell to try and make his stench go away, me and Shannon have beat the crap out of him on several occasions and well we're really sick of him" "I thought she hated him when she met him?" "She did but apparently they're madly in love" "I better ring Cordelia, Doyle and Joshua, he can ring Becca" "Who?" "Just some friends, the last two have mind powers you can't even imagine, Becca said that she met Riley once in the mall in La two years back and apparently he was on a date with a cow called Bessie" "He was dating Buffy two years back, why am I not surprised" "Because he's revolting and backwards?" "Yeah so you guys will come to the Dale?" "Yeah when's the wedding?" "Three days time, we're trying to find a spell to see if he's used magic on her then we have to find a reversal spell, we just don't have enough time and I have to wear a dress which is designed to look like a cow!" "We better hurry, see you soon Faith, who's Shannon?" "My girlfriend, I met her at Xander, Anya, Tara, Joyce and Dawn's funeral, I have to say that was the best funeral I had been to, it was so fun and when the caskets got lowered into the ground everybody was cheering, we all hated those five but luckily Glory killed Joyce and the other three while Buffy was more than happy to sacrifice Dawn who was supposed to be her sister but we all knew better" "Right well I'll see you soon" Angel slammed the phone down and hurried to get his friends.  
  
****************************** Angel what are you talking about, why are we going to Sunnydale?" "Because I need to stop the biggest disaster ever" "Which is what?" "Buffy and Riley's wedding" "Why don't you just let them be happy?" "Because the man is a freak, Becca do you sense anything yet?" "I'm having a problem detecting any magic being used because there is a vile stench coming from Sunnydale" "That would be Riley, J?" "Yep there is some strong magic coming off this place" Becca, Josh and Cordy were in the back of the car on their way to Sunnydale with Doyle in the front with Angel. "Can you sense anything specific?" "Yeah Riley really has done the whammy on your girl Buffy" "What exactly?" "It's a spell to make him look to her like her soul mate and to make him look more attractive than you and Ryan Philippe put together" "Christ man that's impossible, I mean you put him and Ryan Philippe together and well you get an eyesore or what Delia would say major heartthrob" "You know I resent that but he's right" "I strangely have to agree on this one, I mean you've seen cruel intentions" "Yeah Becca forced me to watch it just to stare at Ryan Philippe" "Cordy made me and Doyle watch it to see the cuteness of him as she said and that girl's bitchiness" "That was Sarah Michelle Gellar, she is a great actress" "Cordy anybody can play a bitch or naturally be one, take yourself for example" "Angel! Shut up right now or I swear you'll wish you were never born" "See" they pulled up to the mansion thanking God their awful road trip was over. "Right so Josh can this spell be reversed?" "Yeah easily but not until the actual day of the wedding, you see you have to wait until the priest says you know that whole objecting crap and then now that I know the spell I just say it backwards and it will reveal his true form" "So fish boy in all his ugliness" "Angel I still don't see why you can't just let them be" "Because their making everybody in Sunnydale sick, I am not here to take her back even though I could because I'm everything she wants and needs, I just don't want to be getting phone calls about how disgusting Riley is for the next decade or so" "You know princess he's right, who fancies a coffee, Irish style?" "Me, Becca, J?" "Yeah we're in, Cord?" "Yeah but I think I'll skip on the Irish part".  
  
****************************** "Willow look at this dress it's beautiful!" Buffy dragged a very reluctant Willow over to dress shop to look at the hideous dress she had found. "It's perfect" "Buffy it's fucking awful!" "It's perfect and Riley would love it, did I not tell you to not swear when your with me, I swear Spike is just the worst guy you have ever been with" "Look who's talking, at least my boyfriend knows the term deodorant and bath, Christ the man smells like he's been living in a fish market" "Whatever, what do you think?" "True opinion, it should have never been made, I mean you buy that and well it will wreck your image as having fashion sense, the arms are awful they like cover all of your skin, I like the colour but you should go for something smaller" "I just have to buy it!" the dress was not actually that bad, if it had of been smaller and shorter sleeves with a little more skin exposure but Buffy liked it because of it's largeness and well the fact she was marrying Riley was just plain confusing. "Do you like the colour?" "Yeah I think violet is great Buffy it's just the dress itself" "Well I've bought it now, come on we have to go shopping for lingerie" "Just three more days and I will never have to see Captain stink a lot ever again". 


	3. Gross expectations part 3

Part Three "Buffy are you ready?" "Yeah I'm almost done, I just need to get my veil on" finally the day had come and people were just waiting for it to be over. "Willow I'm dreading this wedding, I mean once they're married we can never spilt them up" "I know Shannon it's awful, your strangely quiet Faith" "Hey I aint worried, trust me B will not be married to him by the end of today" "What have you done baby?" Shannon wrapped her arms around Faith's waist trying to coax her secret out of her "I am not telling it would spoil the surprise" "Really? If you tell me, when we get home you can" Shannon whispered something into Faith's ear making her want to spill her plans instantly. "Okay well three days ago I called Angel and his friends and him came to town, I saw him yesterday and he told me the plan. You see Riley has this spell on B to make her think he's her soul mate and is more attractive than Angel and Ryan Philippe put together" "That's not possible" "Exactly well, when it gets to the does anybody objects, all of us, me, Willow, you, Spike, Giles, Angel, Cordy, Doyle, Becca and Joshua are going to object and then Joshua is going to reverse the spell" "You know that is quite a plan but if it doesn't work Buffy may never forgive us" "We have to try Will, hey here she comes, Buffy you look, you look plain, the way Riley likes you" "Thanks I guess" "So are we ready?" "Yeah it's time, let's go" Buffy left the room and into the church where Giles was waiting, not looking happy at all that she was actually marrying this idiot and took his arm while he walked her down the aisle. She was so busy staring at Riley that she didn't notice Angel and his friends sitting at the back of the church. "Hey Angel she looks awful in that dress, it makes her look so frumpy" "I should defend her but I agree, the arms are too big and the dress makes her look ten sizes bigger, Christ Riley is crushing who she used to be into a Iowa housewife" "The worst kind of woman there is, my aunty is from there, she's the black sheep" "I'm not surprised princess, shh they're starting now, Joshua are we ready?" "Yeah now on with the show". The priest took one look at Buffy then at Riley and couldn't help but giggle, she must see something the rest of the world doesn't. "We are gathered here today to witness the union of Buffy Anne Elizabeth Summers and this beast, sorry Riley Angus Marc Finn in Holy matrimony, now before I continue does anybody object?" "I do" "Willow?" "So do I" "Guys what are you doing!" "I do blooming well object" "I do and we all do" Doyle signalled to their group while Buffy was on the verge of crying while Riley looked confused. "And why do you all object to this mockery of a marriage?" "Because this here is a bloody freak!" Spike stepped forward to Riley with cowering away from him "What the Hell did you do to her? You are such a moron! I mean it if you get married to her I will beat you" "I didn't do anything wrong, momma!" Riley became more scared than when Giles had threatened him and lost complete control of his bladder and making a awful mess on the church floor tiles. "Guys did he just piss himself?" "Yes Doyle we all saw that, he has no bladder control and its fucking disgusting, oh I shouldn't swear in church should I?" "Not really Angel but you haven't really attended church so you could be forgiven". "Why do you people at the back object?" "Well that pansy at the front isn't what he appears to be" "What does that mean?" "Well, well he's not Catholic". Buffy tugged at Willow's arm while the priest was talking to the strangers "Will what is going on, why are you sabotaging my wedding day and who are those people at the back?" "There is an explanation I just can't give you it yet, Joshua you ready?" "Yeah, here goes, ekam em kool evitcattra ot siht lufituaeb erutaerc. Ekam em kool ekil legnA dna nayR EppilihP denibmoc. Ekam siht namow kniht I ma reh luos etam, ekam reh kinht I ma ton ym eurt mrof. Ekam reh evol em won!" Joshua threw his hands up in the air and all of a sudden Riley began to glow and doubled over in pain while Buffy went blind for a few seconds then got her sight back. Riley stood up and he had spots all over his face, he had greasy blonde hair with braces and was about 5'0. He was clearly a weakling and Buffy was disgusted that she was about to marry him. "You've wrecked it! It was perfect and now you've all wrecked it!" "Shut up, why was I about to marry him!" "It's him, I know it, Angel come out, come out wherever you are! I know you just had to wreck it for me" "What Angel's here?" Angel stood up and slowly walked to the front of the church where Buffy was looking in horror at her dress. "Yeah I'm here" he pulled the sleeves of Buffy's dress and the extra material off the skirt making her look her normal size and making the dress look brilliant. "Wow, that is one brave move and a beautiful dress now" "It is love, I bet you they get back together" "I hope so". Buffy stared into Angel's eyes and he just looked how amazing she looked now. "So this was your plan to take my woman!" Riley hit Angel but he just threw him into the confessionals rendering him unconscious. "So you still wanna get married?" "What? You still love me?" "I never stopped loving you and you have the dress so why not" "Okay, I love you so much you know" Angel picked Buffy up and spun her around then stood in front of the priest "You mind marrying us two?" "Of course not, I'm glad you have seen the light my child, okay what is your name sir?" "Liam Sean Patrick Joseph O'Reilly" "Are you Irish?" "Yes I am, so shall you tell them?" "Yes, ok if the congregation does not mind we would like you to witness the union of these two persons" everybody cheered thanking God they had got rid of Riley. "We are here today to witness the union of these two persons and if anybody objects please speak now" "I do, he doesn't have a best man" "Quite right, who would you like as your best man Liam?" "Doyle" Doyle came to Angel's side and they continued with the wedding "We are here today to witness the union of Buffy Anne Elizabeth Summers and Liam Sean Patrick Joseph O'Reilly." " I Buffy Anne Elizabeth Summers take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and health, for rich or poor, better or worse, till death do us part" she gripped Angel's hand tightly "I Liam Sean Patrick Joseph O'Reilly take this woman to be my lawfully wedded wife in sickness and health, rich or poor, for better or worse, till death do us part" "Do you have the rings?" Willow handed Buffy the ring and Doyle handed Angel the diamond claddagh ring, which he had had for years "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do" "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do" "You may kiss the bride" they shared their first kiss as husband and wife "I present to you Mr and Mrs O'Reilly". The group cheered then they left the church each kicking Riley as they left. Part Two of Gross expectations coming soon. 


End file.
